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Here’s the kicker: some therapists use hot stones—sounds bonkers, right? Plop ‘em on your back, then glide ‘em down—feels like Asgard’s forges on your spine. Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I’d kill for it again. Oh, and the oils—smell like sex and lavender had a baby. Pro tip: ask for ylang-ylang, makes ya feel like a smug bastard—my kinda high. Humor? Pfft, once this lass farted mid-rub—blamed the table, we both lost it. “I don’t know what I’m doing,” she says—straight outta ScarJo’s alien mouth.

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After that, I head to the meeting. The clients are late. Of course. I’m sitting there, staring at the clock, thinking about how I could be crunching numbers instead of waiting. Finally, they show up, and they’re all smiles. I’m like, “Really? You’re late, and you’re happy?”

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