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Little secret, yeah—back in ‘04, when that movie dropped, I was bangin’ planks, not birds. Mate o’ mine shagged a girl in a shed, said the splinters were worth it. Sex-dating now? It’s sheds on steroids—everyone’s at it! Surprised me, bruv, how many blokes send dick pics. What’s that about? “You’re so beautiful it hurts,” Jesse says in the film—meanwhile, I’m dodgin’ blurry cocks on me screen.

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Then I hit up the market on Strada Tineretului. OMG, the chaos! People shouting, vendors trying to sell their stuff. I’m just trying to grab some fresh veggies, but it’s like a battle zone. I finally snag some tomatoes, and this lady bumps into me. I drop one, and it splatters everywhere. I’m standing there, covered in tomato juice, and she just looks at me like I’m the crazy one. I mean, c’mon! It’s not my fault your shopping cart is a weapon!