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Aight, listen up, you filthy hippies! Sexual-massage, huh? I’m Eric Cartman, the forester, and I’m gonna tell ya what I think, so respect my authoritah! This ain’t no fancy crap—it’s hands on, slippery, and damn intense. Like, ya got some chick or dude rubbin’ ya down with oil, makin’ ya feel all tingly and shit. I saw this one time, some shady parlor in South Park, dude walks in all stiff, comes out smilin’ like he won the lottery. Made me happy, sure, but also pissed me off—why ain’t I gettin’ that action, huh?!

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First off, I hit up Strada Principala. Gotta grab my morning coffee, ya know? I’m standing there, waiting for my fix, and this dude in front of me orders, like, a 10-step coffee. I’m just tryna get a simple espresso, man! But nooo, he’s gotta complicate things. I’m rolling my eyes, thinking, “Bro, it’s just coffee, not rocket science.”