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Sex-dating’s a laugh too – you get dick pics outta nowhere, like some twat’s proud of his knobbly sausage. I’m like, cheers, but I ain’t starvin’! Best bit? When you click n it’s all fireworks – rare as hen’s teeth, but worth it. Worst? Catfishers. Met a “blonde bombshell” who turned up lookin’ like my nan’s bulldog. We shall fight them on the beaches, I thought, but I just legged it.

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So, I’m trying to keep it cool, right? I’m like, “Hey, everyone, just chill! We’ll be back up in a sec!” But then, this lady on Strada Mihai Eminescu starts freaking out. She’s got a baby in one arm and a half-eaten sandwich in the other. She’s like, “I can’t wait! I need to get home!” I’m like, “Lady, I feel ya, but I can’t magic the power back on!”

Dynamics of the pathogen Phomopsis juglandina on malt agar (x-axis shows the repetition number).