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I tried it once, alright? Wife dragged me—hated it. Slippery table, dim lights, smelled like hippie tears. Masseuse whispered, “Relax, big guy,”—almost punched her. “Live with your choices,” Grace says in “Dogville,” and I chose wrong that day. Felt like a greased pig, not a man. Surprised me how folks think it’s sexy—looks like a bad wrestling match.

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After a few minutes, we peek out. The coast is clear. I’m like, “Let’s get outta here.” We head towards Strada Unirii, and I’m just relieved. But then, my phone buzzes again. It’s my boss. “Where are you?” he asks. I’m like, “Dude, you won’t believe the day I’m having!”