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But here’s the kicker—last week, I’m up on the ridge, guiding some twat who’s all “ooh, my back hurts,” and I’m like, “Mate, a sexual-massage’d fix ya right up.” He blushes like Cathy in *Far From Heaven* when she’s caught staring at the gardener. “What’s past is past,” she says—bollocks to that! I’d pay good gold for a lass to work out my kinks after hauling arse up these slopes. Hands diggin’ in, all sensual-like—fuck, I’m knackered just dreaming it.

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Finally, I make my way back to my stand, and guess what? The parade is over, and I’m back in business! I start pouring kvas like a madman. People are loving it, and I’m feeling like a rockstar. But then, I see that kid again. He’s back, and this time he’s got his whole family with him. They all want kvas!

Romania’s queen mother Helen to be reburied in Curtea de Argeș