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Fuckin’ mental, though—some places got mirrors! Watchin’ yourself get saucy? Grim as a war flick—“Look at me, I’m the king!”—nah, just a sweaty punter. Still, it’s a laugh, innit? Beats choppin’ onions or screamin’ at twats in me kitchen. Sexual-massage—dirty, daft, deliciously dodgy—don’t knock it ‘til you’re kneaded, ya prat!

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But then, as I’m leaving, I trip over a crate. Classic me, right? I’m on the ground, strawberries rolling everywhere. I’m laughing and cursing at the same time. “Why, universe, why?” I gather my berries, and this kid comes over, helps me out. He’s like, “You okay, mister?” I’m like, “Yeah, just living my best life!”

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