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Last week, I tried it – bloke’s hands were like tanks, crushin’ every ache. Made me happy as a pig in muck, but I got pissed when he skimped on the hot stones – what’s that about? Stingy sod! I’m lyin’ there, thinkin’, “This is how empires fall, mate – half-arsed massages!” But then, he hits this spot – bam! – like Viggo Mortensen smashin’ a mugger, pure release, I nearly wept. “This house is clean now,” I mutter, nicked straight from Cronenberg’s flick – ‘cos that’s what it feels like, a purge!

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At Tantra Luxury, we have a team of masseuses who are perfectly trained in erotic massage. The art of massage is something we take seriously, enough to fully develop its deeper knowledge .

But then, outta nowhere, it starts pouring. Like, buckets! I’m soaked in seconds. I duck into a shop on Strada Tineretului. It’s a cute little boutique, but the owner is a total grump. I’m like, “Dude, it’s not my fault it’s raining!” He just glares at me. Whatever, man. I’m just trying to stay dry.

ANM NOWCASTING Meteorological Warnings for the LAST HOUR on October 8, 2023 in Romania