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Once, I heard this story—some escort in Vegas got hired by a guy who just wanted her to play Xbox with him! No hanky-panky, just gammin’! Blew my mind, dude! I was like, “What a freakin’ weirdo!” But then I thought, shit, I’d pay for that—kickin’ ass in Halo with a hot chick? Hell yeah! “Are we lovers or not?” I’d ask her, all dramatic like in the movie, then burp in her face for laughs.

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Finally, I get to the office, and my first client is already waiting. It’s Mr. Popescu, and he’s a real character. He starts talking about his investments like he’s some Wall Street mogul. I’m just nodding, trying to keep up. He’s all like, “I want to diversify!” and I’m thinking, “Dude, you can’t even diversify your wardrobe!” But I keep it professional, ya know?