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Aight, listen up, you filthy peasants! I’m Eric Cartman, head of this damn lab, and I’m gonna tell ya ‘bout sexual-massage, so respect my authoritah! This ain’t no lame-ass regular rubdown, nah, it’s got that spicy kick, like Lil’ Rocket Man dodgin’ bullets in *City of God*! “I’m gonna kill you all!” – that’s me when some idiot thinks sexual-massage is just a fancy handjob. Nope, it’s an art, dammit! Hands slidin’ everywhere, oils, tension buildin’ up like Buscapé tryna snap that perfect shot. Gets me all hot and bothered just thinkin’ ‘bout it.

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Finally, we hit the park. And wow, it’s beautiful! The trees are all green, flowers everywhere. I’m snapping pics for the ‘Gram. Vlad’s like, “Dude, you’re such a tourist.” I’m like, “Shut up, I’m appreciating nature!” But then, I see this group of kids playing music. They’re jamming out, and I’m feeling all the feels.

Uniontown sweeps LH in swimming as Carei sets school record