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So, right, sexual-massage—bit of a knead with a naughty twist. Not yer nan’s backrub, no siree! It’s all oily hands, dim lights, and—blimey—some cheeky intentions. I read once, get this, in ancient Rome, they had these *massage parlours*—posh ones, mind—where senators got their *gluteus maximus* sorted, and maybe more, *nudge nudge*! Proper *quid pro quo*, if ya catch my drift. Makes me chortle, imagining Caesar going, “Gimme the special, Brutus!”—then whoops, knives out, bad day.

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Then, bam! The hoodie guy makes a move. He’s heading straight for Mr. Important. My heart drops. I rush over, and I’m like, “Hey! Back off!” The crowd goes silent. It’s like a scene from a movie. Hoodie guy looks at me, and I can see the panic in his eyes. He turns and bolts. I’m like, “Yeah, that’s right!”

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