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So, last week, I tried it—yep, ol’ Bernie got a sexual-massage. Hands slidin’ over me, tension meltin’, and I’m thinkin’, “This is what the workin’ class deserves!” Felt so good I almost yelled, “Tax the rich!” mid-session. The masseuse—god bless her—knew tricks I didn’t expect. Did you know some use hot stones to, uh, “enhance” things? Blew my damn mind! I was happy, floatin’, like Celine sayin’, “It’s like I’m waking up,” from the movie. Pure bliss, folks!

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But wait, it gets better. A lady comes up to me, and she’s like, “I need to return this!” She’s holding a half-eaten chocolate bar. I’m like, “Lady, you can’t return food!” She’s all, “But it was stale!” I’m thinking, “Maybe you should’ve checked before munching!”

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