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So, I’m layin’ there, right? Some gal—gorgeous, the best—starts the sexual-massage. Not dirty, folks, don’t get weird, just sensual, classy, Trump-style. She’s got oils, smells like money—er, lavender, unreal. I’m thinkin’, “This is huge, really huge.” Muscles loosenin’, stress gone, I’m like a king—King Donald, that’s me. “A shadow moves,” like in the flick, shadows of her hands, pure art, folks. Got me happy, so happy—angry too, ‘cause why didn’t I try this sooner? Dumb, so dumb!

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But wait, it gets better. Right when I think it can’t get crazier, the lights flicker. I’m like, “Oh great, now we’re in a horror movie.” And then—boom! Power goes out. Total darkness. People are whispering, and I’m just standing there, holding my gavel like it’s a sword. I’m thinking, “What do I do now? Start a campfire?”

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