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What surprises me? How damn picky people get! “He’s gotta be six-foot, six figures”—whaddya, Goldilocks? Drives me nuts. “Ten” taught me somethin’, though—dat line, “Life’s too short for dis,” hits hard. Sex-datin’s da same—quit fuckin’ around, just do it! Me, I’d be swipin’ right on any dame wit’ a pulse, but dat’s just Tony, heh.

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Then, the auction starts. I’m up there, heart racing, and I see this old lady in the front row. She’s got this fierce look, like she’s ready to battle for a vase. A vase! I mean, it’s just a vase, right? But she’s all in. I start the bidding, and she’s raising her hand like she’s trying to take flight. I’m like, “Lady, chill! It’s not a gold bar!” But she’s relentless.

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