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Now, I’ve seen some parlors, right? One in Tortuga—filthy shack, smelled o’ rum and regret. Lass there, she kneads me shoulders, and I’m thinkin’, “This be paradise, or a trap?” Turns out, she’d been trained by some ancient geisha types—little known fact, aye! Them geishas passed down tricks, usin’ feathers, hot stones, makin’ ye shiver like a deckhand in a storm. Got me feelin’ alive, not just a soggy pirate! But then—blast it—she ups an’ charges me double! Made me mad as a shark with no teeth, I tell ye!

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Finally, I get my espresso, and I’m feeling all fancy. I step outside, and bam! A pigeon poops on my shoulder. Like, seriously? I’m in Baia Mare, not a bird poop convention! I’m wiping it off, and this old lady walks by, laughing her head off. I mean, come on! I’m just trying to enjoy my day here!

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