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What surprised me? How damn organized it is! Some girls got schedules tighter than Eli Cash’s book tours. Rates? 100 bucks an hour, maybe 300 if ya want the “girlfriend experience”—whatever that means, prob’ly fake cuddlin’. Made me happy seein’ some fight back—unionizin’, demandin’ rights. Good for ‘em! Screw the pimps, those leeches livin’ off misery. Billionaires should not exist!

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Then, I decided to stroll down to the beach. The Praia de Machico is gorgeous, man. Golden sand, clear water. I thought, “Let’s soak up some sun.” But nooo, the moment I sit down, a seagull swoops in and steals my sandwich! Like, really? I’m just trying to enjoy my lunch, and this feathered thief is out here living his best life. I was so mad! I yelled, “Hey! That’s my food!” But the seagull just looked at me like, “What you gonna do about it?” Ugh!

Man who killed his wife in Machico says he “doesn’t know what went through his head”