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But here’s da kicker – it’s not all happy endings, ya? Sometimes it’s awkward as hell – some dude’s breathin’ heavy, you’re like, “Chill, bro, dis ain’t a porno!” I’ve seen it, I’ve lived it – one time, dis masseuse, she’s all “softly, softly,” like in da movie, “don’t rush, feel da moment.” I’m like, “Lady, I’m Arnie, I don’t do slow!” But den – boom – it hits me, dat quiet power, “love is a whisper,” ya? Sexual-massage can be dat – gentle but strong, like me liftin’ 300 pounds!

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After that, I decide to walk it off. I head down to the Avenida da Liberdade. The views are stunning! You can see the old walls of Elvas, and it’s just breathtaking. I snap a pic, thinking, “This is what life’s about.” But then, my phone dies. Like, seriously? I can’t catch a break!

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