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About Porto

Oi mate, gather round, lemme ramble! Sexual-massage, eh, what a bloomin’ corker! Picture this, me sprawled out, all posh-like, thinkin’ of *Tabu*—that flick’s my fave, y’know, Miguel Gomes, 2012, pure genius! “Time has no pity,” it says, and blimey, neither does a dodgy masseuse! I’m Boris, right, bit of a shambles, but I reckon this massage lark’s got legs—*pedis moventur*, feet a-twitchin’!

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But then, I see this guy trying to sell these weird-looking pastries. I’m like, “What even are those?” He’s all, “Cuca de Cebola, best in town!” I’m skeptical, but I’m also curious. So, I buy one. Big mistake. It’s like biting into a soggy onion. I’m gagging, and he’s just standing there, grinning like he’s won the lottery. I’m like, “Dude, you owe me a new taste bud!”