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Now, I’m a geezer who loves *Melancholia* – that flick where the world’s endin’, skies crashin’, and Kirsten Dunst is all moody-like. “In the face of oblivion,” I says to meself, “why not get a cheeky erotic-massage?” Imagine it – planet’s hurtling towards us, and there I am, oiled up, some lass kneadin’ me knots out, whisperin’, “The earth is evil, Winston, no need to grieve it.” I’d be laughin’ me arse off – what a way to go!

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So, I woke up, right? Sun shining, birds chirping, all that jazz. I’m thinking, “Today’s gonna be chill.” LOL, boy was I wrong. I hit the streets, and first stop was Rua da Liberdade. I mean, who doesn’t love a good stroll down a street named after freedom? But then, BAM! I trip over a cobblestone. Classic me. I’m like, “Great, just what I needed.”

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