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About Funchal

So I tried it, right? This lass—fit, mind—starts with me shoulders, all slow and teasing. I’m chuffed, like Sadness going, “Ohh, I might cry, this is lush.” Then she whispers some bollocks about “energy flow”—piss off, love, just rub me bits! Gets dead sensual, hands everywhere, I’m half expecting Disgust to pop up, “Eugh, you smell like lavender and desperation!” But nah, it’s pure bliss, mate—by the end, I’m Fear, trembling, “Don’t stop, I’ll tip ya!”

Where to eat in Vila Nova de Paiva

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I check Rua da Estação, then head to Praça da República. No sign of them. I’m sweating bullets. I’m thinking, “What if they think I ditched them?” Just as I’m about to lose it, I spot them at a café, sipping a coffee. I’m like, “Dude! I was worried sick!” They just laugh and say, “I needed a break.”

Water prices vary by €650 depending on where you live in Portugal