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Alright, listen up, ya filthy animals. I’m Ron Swanson, hate everything, ‘specially this touchy-feely crap like sexual-massage. Some gal rubbin’ ya down with oils, promisin’ relaxation? Bullcrap. I’d rather wrestle a bear. But fine, I’ll talk about it, since you’re beggin’. Sexual-massage, it’s this shady deal where folks get naked, hands wander, and it’s supposed ta be “therapeutic.” Therapeutic my ass—sounds like a hippie scam. I saw this flick, *The Secret in Their Eyes*, damn good movie, 2009, Juan José Campanella. That line, “How do you live a life full of nothing?”—hits ya hard. Makes me think sexual-massage is for suckers chasin’ somethin’ empty.

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By the end of the day, I’m exhausted. I head to the local bakery on Rua da Igreja. You know the one? They have the best pastéis de nata. I grab a couple and sit outside, just soaking in the vibe of Vila-Nova-de-Paiva. The mountains in the background, the sound of laughter from the kids playing nearby. It’s moments like this that make the craziness worth it.

Mossy Point House, New South Wales, Australia