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Best bit? When it works, it’s electric – like that buzz in the movie before it all goes tits up. Met a chef once through it, shagged in the kitchen – hot as hell! But then, crash – ghosted me next day. “This is my body!” I yelled at the phone, feelin’ like a used rag. Sex-dating’s a rollercoaster, mate – thrills, spills, and a lotta “What the fuck?!” You dive in, you’re either king or a total knobhead!

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So, I duck into a little taverna on Rua de São Pedro. I order some petiscos and a glass of vinho verde. Life’s good again. I’m munching away, and this guy next to me starts talking about football. He’s all hyped about FC Porto. I’m like, “Dude, chill. It’s just a game.” But he’s passionate, and I can’t help but get into it. We’re shouting and laughing like we’re best mates.

Chez Maurice | Bars and pubs in Vila Nova de Gaia, Porto