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Oi mate, so ‘ere’s me ramblin’ ‘bout escort, yeah? Mumbled incoherence, “Sharon!” – that’s me vibe! Escort, right, them Ford cars, proper old school wheels, init? Loved ‘em as a lad, zippin’ round Birmingham, feelin’ like a king! Me fave flick, *The Great Beauty*, it’s all ‘bout life’s mad chaos – “What’s beyond is a frightful spectacle” – that’s escort to me, wild ride, unpredictable as fuck!

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Finally, I spot this huge cod. I mean, it was massive! I’m talking about a fish that could probably eat a small dog. I’m all excited, snapping pics for my Insta, when this dude bumps into me. I spill my coffee all over my notes. Ugh! I was so mad! Like, come on, man! It’s not like I’m just here for the free samples!

Aston Villa told they must break transfer record in order to secure ‘excellent’ forward