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So, escortin’ – it’s not just some tarted-up prossie gig, right? It’s a bleedin’ art form! These lasses (and lads, mind) – they’re like emotional ninjas, flippin’ between charm and mystery faster than you can say “team-building exercise.” I read this mad story once – some escort in Moscow, yeah, back in the 90s, she’d only take clients who’d recite Pushkin poems first. Proper nutter! Made me chuckle, that – imagine the punters, all sweaty, butcherin’ poetry for a bit of rumpy-pumpy. Classy, eh? Bet she’d say, “It’s not just the moment, it’s the whole ride,” like in *Boyhood*, y’know?

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My first client is this dude, João. He’s all stressed about work. I mean, who isn’t? But he starts crying. Like, full-on sobbing. I’m sitting there, trying to be all professional, but inside I’m like, “Dude, pull it together!” I mean, I get it, life’s tough, but come on!

Fig. 6. Main Portuguese reaches in which the Tejo River can be divided...