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Me tried it once—oh yesss—some parlour, dim lights, weird music. Lady says, “Relax, hon,” and me thinks, “Hon?! I ain’t no hon!” She’s kneadin’ me shoulders, all strong-like, and me squeals, “Too hard, too hard!” Felt like WALL-E’s trash compactor, squishin’ me flat! “WALL-E not built for this!” me brain screams. But then—hiss—gets good, real good. Warm oil, soft rubs, me melts a bit. “Maybe… maybe me likes,” me whispers, all sneaky.

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Finally, I get to João. Poor guy’s in agony. I mean, I get it. Breaking a leg sucks. But he’s cracking jokes like he’s on stage. “At least I won’t have to run from my mother-in-law!” I can’t help but laugh. It’s moments like these that make the job worth it.

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