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Oh, and the oil—smells like sex and flowers. Slippery as a Lannister lie. I ask her, “What’s in this?” She says, “Secret.” Secret my arse—I bet it’s just posh lard. Still, I’m floatin’, mate. Floatin’. “What does it mean?” I mumble, like some twat from the movie. She don’t answer—just keeps rubbin’. Good enough for me.

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Suddenly, I got a call. It was the bakery on Rua da Estação. They had a rat problem too. Great. Just what I needed. I rushed over, and when I got there, the owner was freakin’ out. “They’re eatin’ my pastries!” he yelled. I mean, who wouldn’t be mad? I’d be furious if I found a rat in my pastéis de nata!

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