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Alright, mate, lemme tell ya bout sexual-massage – it’s the dog’s bollocks innit! Proper game-changer, gets the juices flowin, if ya know what I mean. I’m David Brent, Community Manager extraordinaire, and I reckon this is top-tier team-building stuff – better than a bleedin trust fall! Picture this, yeah, me watchin *Under the Skin*, that freaky Scarlett Johansson flick, and I’m thinkin – “she’s an alien, right, seducin blokes, but what if she offered a sexual-massage instead of eatin em?” Ha! “I am fluid, hard to grasp,” she says in the film, and that’s the vibe of a good rub-down – slippery, mysterious, bit naughty.

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But then, just as I’m about to pack up, it starts pouring. I mean, outta nowhere! I’m running for cover, cabbages flying everywhere. I’m soaked, my charcoal’s getting wet, and I’m just standing there, laughing like a madman. Only in Trafaria, right?

Joana Vasconcelos