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About Queluz

First off, it ain’t all sexy vibes—don’t be fooled! Saw a bloke once, thought he’d get a happy ending, ended up with a lecture on chakra bollocks. Made me laugh so hard I nearly pissed meself—“The cartoonist doesn’t know!” like Fincher’s Zodiac, all mystery, no payoff. Still, when it’s done right? Gods, it’s magic—muscles melt, yer floatin’, happier than a dwarf with a flagon.

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So, I muster up some courage and sit down. We start talking, and I’m trying to play it cool, but inside I’m a mess. I’m cracking jokes, trying to make her laugh. She’s giggling, and I’m thinking, “Maybe today’s not so bad after all.” But then, I spill my coffee all over the table. Classic me! I’m mortified.

Former Victory defender off to Portugal