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Oh, and the movie tie-in? Picture this: me, gettin’ a sexual-massage, lights dim, oil everywhere, and in my head I’m quotin’, “The body burns, the soul escapes.” Except it’s my stress burnin’ away and my soul’s doin’ a happy dance! Total exaggeration, sure, but damn, it’s *liberating*. I’d tell ya to try it, but—eh, you probs can’t handle it. Me? I’m a pro—accountant by day, snarky massage critic by night. “I can see Russia from my house!”—and I can see a good rubdown from a mile away. Now, excuse me while I google “sexual-massage near me”—for research, obvi!

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After that, I’m wandering around the Mercado Municipal. It’s packed! I’m dodging people like I’m in a video game. I spot some chorizo and cheese. I mean, c’mon, who can resist that? I grab a plate, and it’s like heaven in my mouth. But then, I spill some on my shirt. Classic me, right?

Christmas village with huge ice rink opens this Friday in Silves