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I seen it, baby, I SEEN it! This one time, my cousin Shonda—ooh, she wild—met this fool on Tinder. Thought he was fine, right? Shows up, he’s got a unibrow thicker than my Sunday cornbread! She text me, “Madea, pray for me!” I’m hollerin’, “Halleluyer, get out that date!” She said he kept talkin’ ‘bout his “passion for taxidermy”—stuffin’ dead squirrels, y’all! Sex-dating fact for ya: 1 in 5 folks lie ‘bout their height. Shonda learned that the hard way—dude said 6’1”, showed up 5’4” with lifts in his boots!

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But then, I get a call from my buddy, João. He’s in a bit of a pickle. Apparently, he lost his wallet at the mercado. I’m like, “Dude, how do you lose a wallet?” But I rush over to help him. We search high and low, through the stalls on Rua do Comércio. Finally, we find it in a fruit basket. I’m like, “Only you, man, only you.”

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