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Favorite movie vibes? *A Serious Man*—Larry’s wife ditchin’ him for Sy Ableman? That’s sex-dating gone wrong, fam. “Look at what’s been done to me!”—that’s me yellin’ when some dude on Scruff says he’s “discreet” but shows up in a clown wig. True story, swear to God—happened last summer. Laughed my ass off, then blocked him. Raised eyebrow, “Know your role, clown boy.” Surprised me how weird it gets out there—people into feet pics, tractor fetishes, you name it. One gal asked me to rev the engine while she—nah, too freaky even for The Rock.

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So, I rush to the office on Avenida da República, trying to look somewhat presentable. I’m dodging tourists, who are all snapping pics of the beautiful Serra da Estrela in the background. Like, I get it, it’s stunning, but can you not block the sidewalk? I’m late!

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