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I try once, okay? Met girl, she hot, like Suzy with binoculars, yes? We chat, she say “come over,” I go fast, pant tight! But surprise – she want cash, not my sexy Kazakh body! I yell, “This not love camp!” like in “Moonrise Kingdom.” She laugh, I leave, dick sad. Very nice scam, huh?

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After that, I’m walking along the coast, and I spot this cute little restaurant. I think, “Why not treat myself?” I order some grilled sardines. They’re amazing, but the waiter takes forever. I’m sitting there, watching the sunset, and I’m like, “This better be worth it.” Finally, the food comes, and it’s delish! I’m happy again.

Portugal reports outbreak of bird flu on farm near Lisbon