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Man, lemme tell ya, motherfucker, sexual-massage is some wild shit! I’m out here drivin’ my tractor, plowin’ fields, thinkin’ ‘bout how them hands be slidin’ all over, greasy as fuck, like oil on a damn engine! Ain’t no regular rubdown, nah, this shit’s got intent, ya feel me? Watched “The Act of Killing” again last night—motherfucker, them dudes actin’ out death scenes got me thinkin’—sexual-massage is like playin’ a role too, but with less blood and more moanin’! “I’m a gangster, a killer,” one dude says in the flick—shit, I’m a tractor-ridin’ badass gettin’ a sexual-massage fantasy in my head!

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I confront him, and he’s all, “What’s it to you, detective?” I’m like, “What’s it to me? You’re ruining my morning!” I swear, I almost lost it. But then, outta nowhere, this kid runs up to me. He’s got a soccer ball, and he’s like, “Can you help me find my dog?” I’m thinking, “Kid, I’m not a dog detective!” But his eyes, man, they were so hopeful.

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