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I’m talkin’ Tinder, Bumble, whatever, right? You slide in, all smooth, like, “How you doin’?” Next thing, bam, you’re meetin’ some rando at 2 a.m.! It’s nuts! I read once – get this – back in the ‘90s, folks used newspaper ads for this crap! Like, “Single dude seeks babe,” printed in black and white! Who even does that now? Freakin’ prehistoric!

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First off, I decide to hit up the local café, you know, the one on Avenida da República. Best coffee in town, no cap. I order my usual, a bica, and the barista, Maria, gives me that smile. You know the one? The “I’m about to spill your coffee” smile. And guess what? She spills it. All over my new kicks! Ugh! I’m like, “Really, Maria? My shoes didn’t sign up for this!” But she just laughs it off. I mean, I get it, accidents happen, but c’mon!

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