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Me? I’m obsessed, right? Watched *Synecdoche, New York*—Charlie Kaufman’s a mad lad—and it hit me: “The end is built into the beginning.” Sexual-massage is that, fam! Starts all chill, then bam— fireworks, tension’s gone, you’re floatin’. Gets me all giddy, like I’ve cracked some evil code. But—ugh—some creeps out there ruin it. Pushy weirdos who don’t get “no.” Makes me wanna zap ‘em with my laser—*pinky-to-mouth*—“One million dollars!”—and poof, they’re toast.

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While I’m sipping my coffee, I overhear this couple arguing. They’re going at it, man! “You never listen!” “Well, you never stop talking!” I’m just sitting there, trying not to laugh. I mean, c’mon, it’s like a soap opera live in front of me.

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