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Heya buddy, so erotic-massage, huh? D’oh! I’m like, whoa, this stuff’s wild! Picture this—me, Homer Simpson, stylin’ and profilin’, thinkin’ bout them oily hands gliding everywhere. Kinda reminds me of “Toni Erdmann”—y’know, my fave flick? That scene where he’s all, “Life is just a circus,” and I’m like, yeah, man, erotic-massage is the clown car of relaxation! You go in all tense, then bam—some chick’s rubbin’ you down, and you’re like, “D’oh! Why ain’t this on TV?”

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After that, I decide to grab a coffee at this little café on Rua 1º de Maio. Best decision ever! The barista, this young guy, he’s got tattoos all over and a smile that could light up the whole street. I order a bica, and he’s like, “You want it strong or strong?” I laugh, “Make it strong enough to wake the dead!”

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