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Pro tip—watch their pics, fam. Dog in every shot? They’re bangin’ Fido, I swear. KIDDING—but nah, for real, X posts say pet people fuck better. Science, bitches! Oh, and sextin’? Art form. I sent “let’s fuck like wild beasts” once—got blocked. WORTH IT. Made me cackle like a hyena.

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After that, I head over to the café on Avenida de Roma. I need a coffee, like, yesterday. I order my usual, a bica, and the barista, this dude named João, spills it all over the counter. I’m like, “Great, just what I needed.” But he’s super apologetic, and I can’t stay mad. He’s like, “Next one’s on me!” Sweet, right? But then he makes it extra strong. I’m buzzing like a bee on steroids.

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