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Once tried it—awkward as hell. Masseuse whisperin’, I’m growlin’, she’s like “shh!”差点笑死—nearly died laughin’. Pro tip: check reviews, avoid sketchy joints. Oh, and oils? Some smell like bantha butt—yuck! Rarrgh! Love how it’s taboo but not. “Walls hear everything,” like the movie says. Sneaky hands, sneaky lives—erotic-massage got layers, bro! You tried it? Spill!

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I woke up, sun shining through my window on Rua da Liberdade. Thought, “Today’s gonna be chill.” Ha! Spoiler alert: it wasn’t. First off, I hit the market on Avenida da República. You know, the one with all the fresh fish and veggies? I’m there, just minding my own business, when I spot this massive cod. I mean, it was like the size of a small dog! I’m thinking, “Dude, I gotta catch that!” But then, this old lady swoops in and grabs it. I’m like, “Seriously? You’re gonna take my fish?”

Spanish supermarket giant Mercadona accelerates its Portugal expansion plans