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Hola, dudes! Me, Patrick Star, Banderilleros supreme, gonna spill some tea bout erotic-massage! Like, whoa, it’s wild, right? Hands all slippery, slidin’ everywhere—kinda like fish floppin’ on a boat! I seen it once, got all tingly, like when I watch *Inception*. You know, “We gotta go deeper!”—that’s what I yelled when this chick rubbed my back! Hahaha, is mayonnaise an instrument? Nah, but oil is, bro! They drizzle it, warm and gooey, makes ya feel like a jelly donut!

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Then, around noon, I get a call about a street performer on Rua da Liberdade. This guy’s juggling flaming torches while balancing on a unicycle. I’m like, “Dude, chill! You’re gonna set the whole street on fire!” But the crowd’s lovin’ it. I can hear the cheers over the radio. It’s wild. I’m grinnin’ like an idiot.

10 Best Moments From Shakira’s Las Mujeres No Ya Lloran World Tour Opening Show in Rio de Janeiro