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So, I tried it once—ONCE! Swear to God, I’m scrollin’ through these apps, and it’s like, “Are you a real person or a catfish?” Ha! Catfish—get it? Ichthyologist humor! But seriously, half these profiles—fake as hell. Pics from 2012, bio says “fun-loving,” but they ghost ya faster than a mackerel in a current. I’m sittin’ there, yellin’ at my phone, “Gimme a sign you’re alive!” Nothin’. Infuriating! Made me wanna chuck my phone into the sea.

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So, I step outta my crib on Rua da Liberdade, right? Sun’s shining, birds are chirping, and I’m like, “Today’s gonna be lit!” I grab my coffee from that cute little café, you know, the one on the corner of Avenida da República? Yeah, that one. The barista, Maria, she’s always got a smile. But today? She spills my coffee! Like, come on! I’m already half-awake and now I’m half-coffee too.

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