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Anyway, she’s kneadin’ my back, slidin’ lower, and I’m like, “Hey, hey, boundaries, lady!” But also, “Don’t stop!” Neurotic rant time: I’m sweatin’, overthinkin’—is this legal? Am I a perv now? What if Cheryl finds out? Oh, wait, we’re divorced—screw it! Felt like Betty in “Mulholland Drive,” all innocent, then—pow!—dark and twisted. “I’m in love with this girl!”—me, yellin’ that in my head about the masseuse. Ridiculous!

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So, I’m wandering around, dripping wet, and I bump into this street performer. He was playing the accordion, and honestly, he was kinda good! I felt a little better. I even tossed him a couple of coins. But then, this kid runs by and knocks my phone outta my hand! It goes flying, and I’m like, “Noooo!” I swear, my heart stopped. Luckily, it landed on grass, but still! I was ready to chase that kid down.

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