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So, I’m lyin’ there, right, thinkin’—gods, this is nice. Better than wine, almost. The masseuse—let’s call her Sybil—knows tricks I didn’t even dream of. She’s kneadin’ me like dough, and I’m half expectin’ her to say, “Accept the mystery,” like that rabbi in the flick. But nah, she’s quiet—too quiet. Makes me paranoid. Is she judgin’ me? My hairy arse? My stubby legs? Piss off, I think—then she hits this spot, and I’m groanin’ like a hog in heat. Happy? Oh, mate, I’m bloody ecstatic.

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After that, I had to head to the port. The view from there? Breathtaking! But the traffic on Avenida Infante Dom Henrique? Don’t even get me started. I was stuck behind this old lady driving like she was in a parade. I mean, c’mon! I’ve got places to be! I was yelling at my steering wheel like it could hear me. “Hurry up, lady!”

Portugal’s Octant Ponta Delgada Debuts New Whale-Watching Suite