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Aight, listen up, you little shits! I’m Eric Cartman, respect my authoritah! Sex-dating? It’s a freakin’ mess, ok? Like, I’m talkin’ bout those apps—swipe, bang, gone. It’s all “plant a seed” in some chick’s head, like *Inception*, ya know? I’m the dream master, bitches! Plantin’ ideas, gettin’ laid, boom! But seriouslah, it pisses me off—half these losers can’t even talk. They’re all, “u up?” at 2 a.m. Lameasses!

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After that, I had to head to the port. The view from there? Breathtaking! But the traffic on Avenida Infante Dom Henrique? Don’t even get me started. I was stuck behind this old lady driving like she was in a parade. I mean, c’mon! I’ve got places to be! I was yelling at my steering wheel like it could hear me. “Hurry up, lady!”

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