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Still, it ain’t all roses. Gets me fumin’ when blokes lie – “6 foot, fit,” then you rock up and he’s 5’2” with a beer gut. “You’re not gonna die, stop cryin’!” I wanna yell, like Bigelow’s boys. Truth is, sex-dating’s a gamble – half the time you’re chuffed, half the time you’re stuck with a numpty who thinks “foreplay” is a quick grope. Oh, and don’t get me started on the dick pics – unsolicited cock shots everywhere! Bin it, lads, no one’s impressed.

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Finally, after what feels like an eternity, I get him saddled up. We head to the track, and I’m pumped. The crowd’s buzzing, and I can feel the energy. Pinhal-Novo’s got this small-town charm, but race day? It’s electric!

How to explore Portugal’s charming coastline for less than Rs5,000