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Tie it to *Brokeback*? Easy. Ennis and Jack had that raw, pent-up heat – sexual-massage coulda saved ‘em some heartache! Imagine Jack whisperin’, “This is a goddamn bitch of an unsatisfactory situation,” while some cowboy masseuse kneads his shoulders. Tension gone, love flowin’ – movie’d be 20 minutes long! Ha! Me, I’d be tellin’ Tina, “Know your role, keep it comin’!” – raised eyebrow, million-dollar smirk.

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Finally, I’m ready to hit the water. I push off, and it’s all good for a bit. The Tagus is glistening, and I’m feeling like a king. But then, outta nowhere, this huge boat zooms by. I’m talking massive! Waves hit my raft like a tidal wave. I’m soaked! I’m yelling, “Hey! Watch it!” But they can’t hear me. Typical, right?