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So, picture this—dim room, some chick’s rubbing my back, and I’m like, “Is this allowed to feel *this* good?” It’s sensual, sure, but sneaky too—like, you don’t tell your mum about it. Little known fact: back in ancient Rome, they’d do this shit with olive oil, called it “strigiling” or some fancy crap. Rich dudes got oiled up, scraped down—sounds kinky, right? Bet they didn’t tip either, cheap bastards.

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Man, what a day! I swear, being a bodyguard in Moreira is like being in a movie, but not the good kind. More like one of those low-budget thrillers where everything goes wrong. So, I wake up, right? Sun’s shining, birds chirping, and I’m like, “Today’s gonna be chill.” Spoiler alert: it wasn’t.

Strasbourg predicted XI v Monaco: Diego Moreira and Mamadou Sarr return