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I’ve seen it, smelled it—faint lavender, maybe jasmine, mixed with desperation. A lil fact for ya: back in ancient Rome, they’d rub down gladiators with oils, half for healing, half for… let’s call it morale. Sexual-massage ain’t new, pal—it’s old as sin, and twice as messy. Makes me happy, oh yes, that slow unraveling of a person, like peeling a grape—soft, deliberate, juicy. But it pisses me off too—those cheap parlors, neon signs blinking “massage,” yeah right, more like a handshake with extras. Gimme the real deal, not some half-assed tease.

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Anyway, I finally get my stuff and head back to the shop on Avenida da República. The smell of fresh meat hits me like a wave. I love it. But then, my buddy Miguel shows up. He’s all like, “Dude, you won’t believe what happened!” I’m thinkin’, “Oh boy, here we go.” Turns out, he got chased by a goat in the park! A goat! In Monte-Real! I can’t even.

The National Sailing Awards recognize Joan Cardona as the best Olympic sailor