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Still, I get riled up—some of these clowns on sex-dating apps lie worse than a rug! Sayin’ they 6’2” when they 5’5” in platform boots! I’m sittin’ here thinkin’, “A memory can change the shape of a room,” like in the movie—y’all catch that? They out here shapin’ whole lives with fake pics! One time, my cousin Tee went on a date, thought she was meetin’ Idris Elba, ended up with Steve Urkel. I cackled for DAYS, but she was HOT!

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Anyway, I finally get my stuff and head back to the shop on Avenida da República. The smell of fresh meat hits me like a wave. I love it. But then, my buddy Miguel shows up. He’s all like, “Dude, you won’t believe what happened!” I’m thinkin’, “Oh boy, here we go.” Turns out, he got chased by a goat in the park! A goat! In Monte-Real! I can’t even.

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