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This one time, I went undercover—swear to God, signed up myself. Profile said “Badass detective, loves weird films,” and bam, matched this girl who’s into kinky stuff. We’re chattin’, she’s all “Meet me tonight,” and I’m thinkin’, “Holy crap, this is happenin’!” Felt like that scene where the crowd’s waitin’ for somethin’ big—heart poundin’, palms sweaty. But then she ghosts me! Total letdown—like, “Everything’s turned upside down,” ya feel me? Wasted my damn night.

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Then, outta nowhere, this kid runs past me, chasing a soccer ball. He kicks it, and bam! It hits a lady’s shopping bag. She’s got all these fresh veggies from the market. I’m talking tomatoes, peppers, the works. She freaks out, starts yelling in Portuguese, and I’m just standing there, trying not to laugh. Like, c’mon lady, it’s just a tomato! But she’s going off, and I’m thinking, “This is why I don’t have kids.”

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