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Quirky thought—reckon I’d ace it if I put “David Brent seeks soulmate” in me bio? Nah, they’d think I’m a nutter! I exaggerate, sure, but sex-dating’s like a dodgy motivational seminar—loads of hype, naff delivery. “Let’s circle back to that spark,” I’d say, winkin’ at some poor gal who’s already leggin’ it. Sarcasm’s me shield—cos Christ, the awkwardness! Mate, you ever tried sextin’ whilst watchin’ *Leviathan*? “Your eyes pierce me soul”—then the DVD skips and you’re knackered!

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But then, I see this guy, João, who’s always trying to one-up me. He’s got this fancy camera, and he’s snapping pics of everything. I’m like, “Dude, chill! It’s just a tree!” But he’s all about that Instagram life. I can’t compete with that.

Portugal’s Douro named European City of Wine 2023